I have been traveling by myself in Europe for exactly 8 weeks now. If I had to describe my experience in one word, I couldn’t. It’s been all at once exhilarating, empowering, challenging and exhausting. I haven’t written in a while for a few reasons; one being that I am typing on a tiny iPhone, but moreover, I’ve had a million things to say and not a clue where to begin. So I guess I’ll start at the obvious point; Yoga.
My yoga practice has taken on a different form lately. I’m off the mat for longer than I have been in years. My yoga now is a matter of putting into practice all of the fundamentals of grounding, centering, internal focus, presence, breath work and equanimity in order to support myself in this mind-bending, heart-melting emotional stew that I’ve thrown myself into. As I bounce from one place to the next, I seek to find stability. With conditions constantly changing, I seek to find the center of stillness within me. Within the comfortable din of a language that I don’t understand, I draw my attention inward to better understand myself. In the moments of fatigue, frustration, and overwhelming emotion, I find myself taking deeper breaths. I am using the tools of yoga to create contentment in my life now, which is a far cry from where I was 2 or even 4 months ago.
It hasn’t been easy in a lot of ways. I feel odd writing this, as if I should censor myself and instead paint for you a picture of quaint cobblestone alleys lined with flower merchants and cafés, magical markets stocked with fresh fruits and vegetables, heaps of olives and dates and every variety of cheese that you can imagine. The smell of sautéed garlic, lots of local fish and meat and wine found among centuries old architecture, with views of the Mediterranean just around the next corner. And maybe these are the kinds of things you want to hear, and I certainly don’t blame you, it is a beautiful picture. But even as I experience the beauty of all of these things, I am simultaneously experiencing a deep loneliness, sadness, and confusion.
I considered keeping this from you, perhaps as an egoic attempt to preserve the likely unrealistic picture you may have in your head about me and my journey, but I have made a commitment to the truth. I’ve made a commitment to be truthful in my own life, to seek the truth in others, and as a teacher, I’ve made the commitment to deliver truth to my students. And the truth is that I’m struggling. I’m struggling with my shyness and my insecurities, my inabilities, my ego. Sometimes all I can do is sit down and cry. I write this not as a sob story designed to gain sympathy, but to remind myself that it’s ok to feel grief and frustration and pain and tiredness. And it’s ok for you to see me in these perhaps unsavory states, because they are all on the psychic and emotional spectrum of a whole human being. In this truth, I remember that we are all things at all times, and those of you who really know me, know that I embody this truth.
I’ve had more opportunity now than I ever have had before to really be with these aspects of who I am. But I see them, and I get to know them and I try to be kind to myself about them. I get lost in the streets and explore the markets by myself. I make jokes to myself about myself. I have only myself to rely on, to blame, to be with. But even in the most frustrating, exhausting and lonesome moments, I know that I’m not alone in my struggle. Because even if we are surrounded by friends and family and familiarity, we are all just trying to navigate the intricate, sometimes unintelligible maps of our own hearts and minds. And that, my friends, is not an easy journey to take.
8 thoughts on “Traveling Alone”
Cheri,
You and I are kindred spirits. Thank you for being so open, honest and raw about your feelings. I, too, struggle on certain days. Yes, I know I also chose the traveling life, but there are days when I freak out and think I will never teach yoga again or, if I do, I won’t remember how to teach and no one will come to my classes!
I spend every day living my yoga now – the true, deep, dark part of yoga – not just the pretty asana part. Finding meaning in my life while not having a “regular” schedule, separation from my friends and family, learning to navigate new places, new people and new attitudes, all while maintaining my center and staying true to myself. So many times it is hard, but then again, sometimes it’s just so easy.
I’ve got your back, girlfriend. this change of life is hard, but so worthwhile.
I love you and miss you…sending you love and light,
Namaste,
Nan
Hi Cheri
This reminds me of what I say to students, the pose begins when you first want to exit it. In other words, yoga starts when the pose gets tough. The yogi stretches him/herself just a little bit beyond what they’re currently capable of, and to do this, “we gotta hold the pose.” It’s uncomfortable but that’s how we grow, get more flexible and stretch ourselves to new levels of health and vitality. The same thing is true about our lives. For us to grow we must learn how to hold the pose in uncomfortable situations. Our spiritual practice really starts when life gets uncomfortable. So here’s wishing you Santosha and much Shanti.
Namaste,
Lisa
Correction: * I know how hard it can be and I am so proud of you for being truthful with yourself……(whoops hehe)
I love you Cheri. I think you are amazing and incredible. I am proud of you for traveling alone, I know how hard it can be and for being truthful with yourself and with others. Life is all about truth and love anyway. I hope I can see you someday soon. Sending you lots of hugs and love from China. Come over here one day xo
Cheri, I appreciate your honesty and vulnerability. I hope you are having an amazing time even with the struggle your experiencing. You will know yourself better and grow so much even though there is sadness.
Sitting here in my cozy home surrounded by my loved ones, with all the safety and security which that brings; all time, space and separation just dissolved. There really is no distance when it comes to life experience. So eloquently put, and yet truly raw. I felt your human-ness like never before and I am right there with you….no human is immune. Not me, not you. Humility, is, and always will be the greatest gift. Choosing to bow down to it is the only cure, and I hope as you are telling jokes to yourself, strolling down some foreign street in some foreign part of the world, I hope you think you’re pretty funny, and a fucking beautiful person to hang around with!
I miss sharing yoga with you…
Thank you for sharing.
-Angelina
Cheri, I have so been there! Alone in Florence, and Venice at times. Wondering what’s it all about?
I have by nature, always choosen to be a leader, a loner and very independant most of my waking time here on earth.
However, being a woman holds a curious mystique to most people in the world.
We have been brought up to share with others and to care for one another. Finding one’s High Self, in the midst of a Middle Self world, I find is close to impossible.
Take this time to drink in your findings, revelattions and concerns. Then, turn around an walk with the beauty that you eminate, with a sway of whimsey in your walk, smile and think magnetically. Know that something new and wonderful is manifesting for you. And it could be right around the next corner, Bella Signorina 😉
Much Love,and let me know if you are planning on being in Rome, or London. I do have wonderful friends there that you may be able to meet up with. Ciao, Linda Ardigo
I saw your blog on my friend Tom Hicks Facebook page and it was very inspiring. I wish I could feel secure enough to travel alone and do what you are doing. I’m not sure what your life was like 2 to 4 months ago but I’m hoping your life lessons will somehow inspire me to make changes in my own life.
Safe travels to you,
Valerie